Today I am grateful.
I have been a big ball of flesh eating anxiety for years. I tried eating better, cutting out caffeine, going to bed earlier, no alcohol, exercising more, vitamins, massage, medication, meditation, journaling and prayer. NOTHING was working! I would still wake up with anxious feelings from an unidentifiable source. I was resigned that this must just be my "thorn in the flesh;" that thing that will never go away, that I will always struggle with. Clueless as to the cause I trudged on sleeping less and drinking more.
One night, for what felt like the hundredth time I lost it. I got so upset that I was always upset that I cried my eyes out in the bathtub. So many times I have been in that place, frustrated with God for allowing this to happen to me, angry that His promises were not panning out, depressed that things were never going to change, afraid because I have to do it all over again tomorrow. As I cried I felt this deep ache in a part of my soul that had been forgotten. The ache grew as I let myself really feel it. And then, without even thinking I gave voice to that ache. I gave voice and what came out was something I've wanted desperately but never realized. As I said it, I realized I wanted it more than anything else in the world, more than God. I could suddenly see how this one child like, selfish, primitive desire has been secretly the underpinned motivation for EVERYTHING I do. I felt so stupid!
Bottom line: our hearts can hide so many things from us. It's scary how well built our defenses really are. We are the masters of self deception. I have been running around at the surface level looking for something tangible to pin my anxiety on but it was buried so deep that God Himself had to pull back the curtain and open my own heart to me so that I could see.
Here's where the thanks comes in....God used my anxiety to keep me searching. He doesn't leave us unfinished, it's a promise. He will do whatever it takes to keep us running to Him for help, for salvation. Now I look back on every bought of anxiety as God's flashing warning light, showing me that something down deep is broken, something is wrong. I could have lived the rest of my life for the wrong reasons if God hadn't given me the gift of crippling fear. That fear sent me running to Him over and over again. Something was wrong, something I had no ability to see, let alone fix.
Whatever cyclical struggle that you have, whatever "thorn" that pricks you over and over, it's there for a reason. God is too good to let you go on your way when something inside needs fixing. He's using that struggle to get your attention; to show you that there's something that needs healing. God will search your heart and show you truth if you ask. He will help you have the courage to face that thing you buried; after all, you buried it for a reason.
Take the hint that God has been throwing your way. Spring is here, it's time for something new.
