Hello family-
These past few months have been full of careful contemplation for me. I confess it has been slow moving for many reasons. One is that I have been extremely busy with nursing school, graduation, vacation, starting a new job, etc. The other is that I simply didn't and still don't know how to proceed.
I have spent the past 3 years in a rough state. I graduated from Lee University with my theology degree only to decide that I did not want to jump into full time ministry, which had been my goal for the previous 6 years. I decided against this because I had seen so many abuses and found that the church, as a whole, was not very reflective of the Christ and Gospel message that I loved so dearly. I was beaten down over and over by a gospel message that focused on works, works, works. As a Christian, I was taught to look and act a certain way to gain Gods' acceptance. I'm also from the South and the culture there can be very judgmental. I constantly worried about my Godly appearance and fell in line with the rest by judging others on theirs. I worked hard to feel good about my relationship with God. Of course, it was never enough as the rules kept stacking up, reminding me of my failures. So, I began judging my success or failure in the only way I knew how; by comparing myself to others. I might feel terrible when I compared myself to Christ but at least I was doing better than Jill or Tommy so God must love me more right?
I'm extremely competative and for years I wrongfully applied this to my faith and compared myself to every pious person around me. I worked harder and harder to gain God's love and approval. Thankfully this work included Bible study and through my studies God showed me that I was missing the point entirely. His love and acceptance is a free gift and He will never love me any more or any less because of my actions. I can never do anything to make Him love me more or less. In fact, He loves the murderous criminal just as much as He loves me. For a competitive person, this was a humbling experience. I'm not going to lie, at first I was disappointed when I learned this. I guess I always wanted to be God's favorite and I wanted to do something great. This disappointment quickly turned into joy when I realized the unbelievable weight that had been lifted from my shoulders. Years of feeling guilty and like I wasn't doing enough for God melted away and for the first time in my life I experienced Christ's burden as easy and His yoke light.
As is probably painfully ovbvious, I came from an extremely religious (not in a good way) background. I saw myself falling back into those old ways and mindsets should I place myself back into that environment. I guess you could say that my addiction is man made religion. I'm pretty good at it. I had finally been set free and I desperately needed that freedom and unconditional acceptance that God had so faithfully shown me. My new way of thinking and seeing the Gospel just made me furious when I went to church and heard the half truths and false gospels that had so greatly entangled me. I really and honestly just got tired of going to church and leaving angry. I felt like there was no way I could be myself and be accepted, much less be a minister and leader. Not only that but I didn't believe in the ideas presented and couldn't dedicate my lifes work to the cause. There's no way I was turning my back on the freedom that God had given me in exchange for serving another master. So, I haven't been going to church for really the past three years. I mean i've been to probably 30 churches in the Valley with my choir and have tried attending several others and I just couldn't do it. I've been struggling to figure out what to do with myself and the knowledge that I had the wonderful opportunity to gain. I loved God more than ever but felt less at home with His people than I ever had.
I still wanted to serve so I went to nursing school to care for people in another way. In the mean time, I've been trying to figure out how to fulfill that calling in me that sent me into school for theology in the first place. I absolutely love caring for people bodily, but I love theology and didn't really know what to do with it especially if I wasn't going to church.
Act 2: I was in a choir at Grand Canyon University and we sang before a chapel service. I only attended this service because I had to be there to sing and had never gone to any others. Pastor Jeff got up to speak and I was amazed at what I was hearing! He was speaking in some of the same terms that God used to set me free (apparently we both love John Piper)!!! I couldn't believe it but I was hearing the Gospel as God had shown it to me! The only thing I remembered was Apologia and I searched on the internet for the church and started going!
I know it might sound crazy to you but I haven't heard the true Gospel preached in church in what seems like forever. God used the first few chapters of Romans, especially Romans 4:4 to change my life when I was at Lee and I show up to Apologia and what is Pastor Jeff preaching on??? Many of the sermons have brought tears to my eyes simply because I had lost hope that I would ever hear them presented with such accuracy at church. Now, I see that my faith was small and God has others out there that are searching and presenting the truth. My faith is being restored and I'm starting to feel like I belong with Gods' people again.
As some of you know, I started going to Apologia as my nursing school escapade was coming to a close. I had gone to nursing school because I felt like I didn't belong in the church anymore and couldn't bear to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life as a minister. But now, I have found Apologia and my excuses for abandoning my theological pursuits are running out. I feel rusty and unsharpened. I have lost confidence in my knowledge and ability. I truly don't know what to do with myself. I hope and pray that this next year is a year of healing, restoration and direction. My husband will be searching for a residency program and I don't know if we will be able to remain in the Phoenix area for more than a year!!!!! I've just found Apologia and already I feel it slipping away. The thought of being churchless and faithless again scares me to death but it is a real possibility. I will be praying for faith to endure and not lose my way this time around. God has proved Himself faithful over and over. I'm so glad to have you as my brothers and sisters (heck, I'm just glad to feel like I have brothers and sisters)! I want more than anything to start forward into faithfully pursuing God together as a family.
