Today I am grateful.
I have been a big ball of flesh eating anxiety for years. I tried eating better, cutting out caffeine, going to bed earlier, no alcohol, exercising more, vitamins, massage, medication, meditation, journaling and prayer. NOTHING was working! I would still wake up with anxious feelings from an unidentifiable source. I was resigned that this must just be my "thorn in the flesh;" that thing that will never go away, that I will always struggle with. Clueless as to the cause I trudged on sleeping less and drinking more.
One night, for what felt like the hundredth time I lost it. I got so upset that I was always upset that I cried my eyes out in the bathtub. So many times I have been in that place, frustrated with God for allowing this to happen to me, angry that His promises were not panning out, depressed that things were never going to change, afraid because I have to do it all over again tomorrow. As I cried I felt this deep ache in a part of my soul that had been forgotten. The ache grew as I let myself really feel it. And then, without even thinking I gave voice to that ache. I gave voice and what came out was something I've wanted desperately but never realized. As I said it, I realized I wanted it more than anything else in the world, more than God. I could suddenly see how this one child like, selfish, primitive desire has been secretly the underpinned motivation for EVERYTHING I do. I felt so stupid!
Bottom line: our hearts can hide so many things from us. It's scary how well built our defenses really are. We are the masters of self deception. I have been running around at the surface level looking for something tangible to pin my anxiety on but it was buried so deep that God Himself had to pull back the curtain and open my own heart to me so that I could see.
Here's where the thanks comes in....God used my anxiety to keep me searching. He doesn't leave us unfinished, it's a promise. He will do whatever it takes to keep us running to Him for help, for salvation. Now I look back on every bought of anxiety as God's flashing warning light, showing me that something down deep is broken, something is wrong. I could have lived the rest of my life for the wrong reasons if God hadn't given me the gift of crippling fear. That fear sent me running to Him over and over again. Something was wrong, something I had no ability to see, let alone fix.
Whatever cyclical struggle that you have, whatever "thorn" that pricks you over and over, it's there for a reason. God is too good to let you go on your way when something inside needs fixing. He's using that struggle to get your attention; to show you that there's something that needs healing. God will search your heart and show you truth if you ask. He will help you have the courage to face that thing you buried; after all, you buried it for a reason.
Take the hint that God has been throwing your way. Spring is here, it's time for something new.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Higher
Oh there is a war inside of me, pulling me
away with defeat and closer with every victory. As the years go by I trudge on
with my trademarked moves and stick stubbornly to tools of my own devising. As
I wage I feel His gaze, like someone watching me from behind. My first instinct is to ask how I’m
doing but there’s no time to lose; I’ve got to keep going. There are things
that I need, people I want, and accomplishments I crave. Yielding any ground on
those things or those people, even to you, feels like giving up. If I stop
trying, manipulating, chasing I might lose them all. Even the imagined thought
of loss, of failure or the unthinkable ultimate regret strangles and my chest
tightens.
In the haze of fear, I desperately follow
a barely audible promise that you are teaching me something new, that I’m
becoming something new. The thought excites me, floods me; I strain harder to
listen. He says His thoughts are higher than mine and His ways are higher too. What
if He knows me so deeply that He loves the things that I love? I interject! Oh
God, help me to go higher! Show me how it’s done! I’m always afraid, always
scared that I’ve missed it. Always worried that if I don’t get it right
everything will implode, and I’ll be maimed and worthless. Then I lose a
battle. I do the things that I don’t want to do and feel the shame, and know
I’m already worthless.
You carry my weak body, flesh and spirit alike, past
the violence of the war around us. You force open my blind eyes, causing them to
see something beyond the anguish and angst I feel over and within my own soul.
You pull me with you to the clouds to see from above what I had missed from
below. It’s bigger than me. It’s
so wonderfully bigger than me. The sting of death, of failure, has vanished in
the blazing dawn of victory. The
eternal and the infinite are at work here. Love is law and all is won.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Fight!
Matthew 24:10-13
“And then many will fall away and betray one another and
hate one another. And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray. And
because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. But the
one who endures to the end will be saved.”
Who
isn’t disgusted with the current state of the American Evangelical church?
Aren’t we all tired of the “Five Steps to Faith?” There are so many seemingly
uneducated pastors running around saying things that your “gut” just knows aren’t
the truth, cringing moments where you are rethinking bringing your friend to
church. Ever left a church service seething in anger with a terrible desire to
punch the pastor in the face? Unfortunately, hypocrisy has become the church’s bread
and butter, to the point that churchgoers just have to accept it as part of the
package if they want to keep going. Just as Christ predicted, we have started
destroying ourselves causing “the love of many” to “grow cold.”
Jesus is speaking to His Disciples
in this passage. He’s telling them of the signs to watch for that tells us the
end is near. The verses before this tell of a time when Christians will be
persecuted by the whole world. Obviously, we are not in that time period but we
can see what he’s talking about in these verses happening right in front of us.
The point is, Jesus is not surprised that this is going on and we shouldn’t be
either.
Think of the parable of the
Virgins. You know, the ones standing/sleeping, waiting for the bridegroom to
come. There are ten of them and only five of them have enough oil to last
through the processional to enter the house of the Bridegroom. So there they
are when the bridegroom approaches, standing with an empty vessel…awkward. They had some oil at one point but now
they are void of the very thing they need to “get in.” They look just like all
the others but they lack the essential ingredient to produce that warm blazing
light. When they leave to go find some and come back, the Bridegroom/Jesus has
already shut the door and says, “Truly I say to you, I do not know you.”
Keep in mind it’s a parable, so
it’s not perfect. Now, obviously these people believed themselves to be close
enough friends to be part of the bridal processional. They thought they were
in. Just like in Matthew 7 where another group of supposed worshippers claim to
have prophesied, cast out demons and done mighty works in Jesus’ name. He says
the same thing to them, “I never knew you, depart from me.” They weren’t the
real deal; they did a lot of cool stuff but they didn’t KNOW Him.
Bottom line, our houses of worship
are filled with fakes and phonies and it’s no surprise. In fact, when it’s all
said and done, the fakes and phonies will probably be super shoked that the
fingers being pointed at them! There is an eventual promise of the separation
of the “goats from the sheep”, but the judgment of who’s who is NOT up to me
and you. That judgment lies with
God, the only one who can see into the heart of another. What’s important to
you, is the condition of YOUR HEART.
It’s hard to see through the crap
that’s out there. But there are also some great, loving, selfless, educated
people that love Christ. There are others that feel like you and I know that if
you pray, God will be faithful to help you find them. So keep up the good
fight, don’t let that lamp go out. The love and freedom of the Gospel are worth
fighting for!
Some sources of great Gospel teaching to tide you over….
DesiringGod.org (free sermons and books, podcasts available
through itunes)
Grace Community Church Podcasts
One of my all time favorite sermons
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