The Rule Follower

There are rules all around us. They are set before us in our childhoods and we learn quickly that if we don't follow them, there will be consequences. This carries on into our adolescents where we decide whether we will be rule breakers or rule followers. As most of you know, I have always been a rule follower. When I found God I took comfort in His rules. I fell in love with God and I saw the merit and the goodness in his law. I saw that it protected me from many of the hard times that those around me went through. I am grateful for that but at the same time there is a conflict brewing within me. Over the years I have seen first hand how rule following can quickly stamp out any semblance of grace and replace it with self righteousness. I have found yet another dichotomy, one that splits me deeper than anything I have ever experienced. It is in my nature to take pride in my rule following. Not only that, but I have always used it as a proof, to myself and to God, that I loved God. To me, love has always been defined by a person's actions. When I was young I decided that things were very black and white-if you loved someone, you'd act like you did. You wouldn't do things to hurt them. I have internalized this and I decided that if I loved God, it would have to be made plain with my actions. But the closer I come to Him the shakier the ground I am standing on becomes. The things that I traditionally used to comfort myself and use as examples of my dedication are gone. I am no longer going into full time church ministry-that's a big one. There are even others that were nearer and dearer to me that are too personal to share. How can I know that I am on the right path without these? Galatians says that the whole of the law is fulfilled if we love our neighbors as ourselves. What kind of rule is that? How can I keep track of it or make sure that I am following it so that I know and am comforted that I am where God would have me? Faith gets more real with each passing day. The things that once stood as living proof of my faith are disappearing and I am left with only the knowledge that it is alive and well within me.