The Five Freedoms

I ran across this is a support group at one of my clinicals recently and I thought it was really good. I actually learned a lot about myself as I was forced to participate! :) I added some of my own comments in just for fun! What do you think?

The Five Freedoms
1. The freedom to see and hear what is here and now, rather than what was, will be, or "should" be.
   What were/are you supposed to pretend and what is the truth?

2. The freedom to think what I think instead of what I "should" think
What were/are you supposed to think and what do you really think?

3. The freedom to feel what I feel instead of what I "should" feel
How were/are you supposed to feel? How do you really feel?

4. The freedom to want what I want instead of what I "should" want
What things are you supposed to want? What do you really want?

5. The freedom to create my true self instead of playing a role or playing it safe.
What role do you play in your family/community? What role do you want to play?

I really think that growing up as kids we get these ideas from our parents and from our influences that tell us what we should be or how we are. I don't think that's always bad. We shouldn't lie or steal even if we feel like doing it. But some of the things we are told are just straight up lies. Maybe your needs really weren't being met as a kid even though your parents kept telling you that you were lucky to have all that you did. We work towards either being who we want to be or getting rid of those lies that shape our thoughts about ourselves. I think this process starts with realizing who you are, right now.  So how do you really feel and what do you really want? What is the truth?

The God of Nature

So, I guess there was this study done in England and the results showed that being in green places and being in nature actually had a positive impact on the health of the poor people in that country. This was an NPR story and the person who was commenting also mentioned that there seems to be a correlation between access to green space and spirituality. The more green space, the deeper the spiritual connection. I love this and find it to be true in my own life. I really connect with God through nature. Seeing His creations speaks to me about God's existence. I think it's interesting that as the world's people become more and more surrounded by things that are human made, we begin to forget God. We forget the majesty of the mountains and the grandeur of the glacial when we are tucked safely away in our cookie cutter houses. We become separate from God's creations and become more intimate with our own. As we become more wrapped up in what humans can do, we become more consumed with our own abilities and begin to look into ourselves for answers.  This connection between our surroundings and our inner workings is fascinating.

Water

http://moreintelligentlife.com/story/david-foster-wallace-in-his-own-words

This is super long, but really important. I have felt like I have been snapping in and out of what he refers to as, auto-pilot recently. I think this the real purpose of prayer, meditation and the discipline of reading God's word. Something has to snap me out of, not just thinking about myself, but thinking in the way that I naturally think. God knows I've found that my rabbit trails make me a useless and miserable person. I need to be reminded about the "water" that surrounds me. That seems to be the great struggle of life, remembering those life fulfilling things that are right in front of you as you live out a monotonous and repetitive life.

Church

I am about 6 months from graduating from nursing school. It was such a shift in thought and it felt good to get out of the realm of ideas for awhile. I feel like I was stuck in the theoretical and we were always learning about loving our neighbors and being the love of God so, I wanted to go out and do
that! I feel like I have now learned a set of skills that will better prepare me to love others and open up many doors of opportunity that might have otherwise been closed. It has also served other purposes
along the way. I am writing because I don't really go to church anymore. I still love God more than anything but there are so many things that happen in the church that I cannot get past. Maybe it's
because I'm young and idealistic or maybe because the core message of Christ seems to have been lost. I know there are good people serving the church out there, and I think their efforts are valiant, but I
hate feeling like I can't be myself in church. I don't want to be two people and I find that I am not accepted well otherwise. I originally set out to be a minister but at this point I don't think my views and
my lifestyle would be accepted. I have a drink here and there and I watch some R rated movies. I feel like I'm always looked down upon if I say a cuss word or talk about Flight of the Concords at church. The stark realization that I had this morning was that the classroom was my church when I was studying theology. It was my gathering together of believers, the place where my overactive mind worshiped the living God. I have not had that church in over 2 years now and I don't know what to do with myself.

Surprise!

Jesse and I had an amazing weekend. We drove out to LA for his uncle’s 60^th birthday party! And it was a surprise party, my favorite. The scene: The Stahl house in Beverly Hills…amazing. The walls of the rear of the house were made entirely of glass and there was a view of the whole city stretching out before us. Uncle Bob is an architect his party could be nowhere better than this architectural gem. It was small and sweet and the food was delicious. The most wonderful salmon followed up with flan! A dessert that’s gluten free, that never happens! And the signature cocktail of the evening was my favorite….French 75. Jesse’s Mom and his family were there and everyone was happy. The most amazing part was Uncle Bob’s face when his blindfold was removed. You can’t fake that kind of surprise-it was priceless. I really couldn’t have imagined anything more perfect! After we said our goodbyes we headed to Huntington beach to say some hello's to old friends. It was perfect! An Octoberfest and a banana pancake later we were headed back through the desert. After all was said and done, I think I am the one who was most surprised! 

ZZZZZZZZ

I can't sleep. And I realized today that I might be a Quaker.

Random right? We really have a lot in common I'm finding out. Well, truthfully I don't know that much about them but I know that I do agree with some of their core tenants. I am a pacifist because of Christ's teachings and I don't think one man should get up and tell everyone what to do once a week. The Quakers sit in a circle to show that all members are equal because they all have the Holy Spirit living inside of them. Priesthood of all believers anyone? Everyone may speak if they so desire or feel that God is leading them. OH,and they never ask for money! There are a few things I'm iffy about and I see the potential for what I might call wishy washiness-but there are about 100 things I'm iffy about when it comes to the American church! I figure I'll check into it at the very least. If anyone has any insight or experience with Quakers I'd love to hear it!

being a nerd

I love school-I really do. But I feel like I am schooling my life away! I can't wait to be normal and go to work and come home. But I now myself and I'll give it six months before I'm bored! What to do with this personality! I always want to be learning or tackling something new. I think that's ok I just need to get out of the realm of the academic. It's way to expensive to keep going back, not to mention it is a complete time sucker! Please remind me of this in a year when I start talking about going back to school!!!!
I needed a ride to the airport today and I realized that I had no one to ask because I haven't hung out with anyone outside of school in sooooo long! I have school friends and now I have theater friends. They are all great but what's going to happen when school ends or when the play is over? It's kind of depressing. I suppose then I will make work friends and random extracurricular activity friends along the way. Don't you hate how friendships fall apart when you aren't forced to see each other everyday?

Freedom

I am a Christian, but I don’t want to force anyone to live by my moral standards. I want the government to allow our people to choose how they live their lives so that I might have the freedom to live mine as I choose. When you force someone to choose the road that your faith deems right you take away any semblance of love. When your restrain those who do not feel the presence of your indwelling God, it only leads to rebellion.
Some have said that the majority of Americans are Christian so the laws should reflect Christian values. To them I say that laws made based on the majority are dangerous because that majority can always change. What if the majority of Americans were child molesters? Should we then change the laws to favor them? There was a time when the majority of Americans were pro slavery. Thankfully our laws on this issue did not reflect the majority.
Many have strong religious objections to allowing homosexuals to marry. I understand these objections because I know what the Bible says about homosexuality. From a church standpoint I get it. I think churches should always have the right to decide whether or not they will condone gay marriage. If it is opposed and it is decided that this interaction is not compatible with the Christian faith then I fully support that decision.
But I do not think that the United States government can approach this subject in the same manner as churches do and be faithful to values of freedom. It is the nature of this great land to allow freedom of its inhabitants. Not only freedom for one way of life, freedom for many ways of life. We may express ourselves differently and align ourselves with different religions but we MUST stay focused on the one thing that this government has allowed us to share-freedom. We have made an attempt to live differently yet coexist peacefully.
We can see this in the American’s reaction to terrorism. I don’t always agree with the way these situations are handled by our government. I don’t ever advocate killing or bombing others. But I do understand that the enemy that is being fought is that voice that says, “Its not ok to believe what you believe. You must believe what we believe or you must either change or die.” When people stand up with this voice it is contrary to everything in the American psyche. Yet American Christians do the same thing to non-Christians and gays everyday (with the exception of the penalty of death in some cases). It is constantly being said to them that it is not all right for them to believe what they believe. Think of the reaction that you would have to this statement!
My point is, we cannot force lasting change. We must support a government that allows for our freedom-everyone’s freedom (unless that freedom means harming someone else). In this climate of freedom, Christianity can flourish and others are free to be called by Christ through love instead of being forced and condemned. That love is what changes us forever.

The Rule Follower

There are rules all around us. They are set before us in our childhoods and we learn quickly that if we don't follow them, there will be consequences. This carries on into our adolescents where we decide whether we will be rule breakers or rule followers. As most of you know, I have always been a rule follower. When I found God I took comfort in His rules. I fell in love with God and I saw the merit and the goodness in his law. I saw that it protected me from many of the hard times that those around me went through. I am grateful for that but at the same time there is a conflict brewing within me. Over the years I have seen first hand how rule following can quickly stamp out any semblance of grace and replace it with self righteousness. I have found yet another dichotomy, one that splits me deeper than anything I have ever experienced. It is in my nature to take pride in my rule following. Not only that, but I have always used it as a proof, to myself and to God, that I loved God. To me, love has always been defined by a person's actions. When I was young I decided that things were very black and white-if you loved someone, you'd act like you did. You wouldn't do things to hurt them. I have internalized this and I decided that if I loved God, it would have to be made plain with my actions. But the closer I come to Him the shakier the ground I am standing on becomes. The things that I traditionally used to comfort myself and use as examples of my dedication are gone. I am no longer going into full time church ministry-that's a big one. There are even others that were nearer and dearer to me that are too personal to share. How can I know that I am on the right path without these? Galatians says that the whole of the law is fulfilled if we love our neighbors as ourselves. What kind of rule is that? How can I keep track of it or make sure that I am following it so that I know and am comforted that I am where God would have me? Faith gets more real with each passing day. The things that once stood as living proof of my faith are disappearing and I am left with only the knowledge that it is alive and well within me.

Unforgiveable

It's hard to forgive. I get telling my friends the truth confused with talking them into doing what I think is right. If I see bad decisions, I'll say something about it -then I'll get my feelings hurt when they don't want to tell me when they do something I don't agree with. If I can't tell you what I really think are we really friends?...
How can I be honest AND make you feel the love that I have for you? When you tell others what you really think you end up driving them away. Pretty soon you end up surrounded only by the people that think like you.

Attention All Women!

May I have your attention please? I have an important announcement to make. Contrary to popular belief-you may still be insecure, needy, clingy and manipulative even after getting married!!! I repeat! You may still feel insecure even after entering into a matrimonial contract. I know what you are thinking...but what about the wedding dress???? Is that not the magic talisman that wards off all such feminine craziness? If that doesn't work then surely the walk down the aisle counts towards some degree of transformation? You've got the man so now you can be happy right? Lies, all lies I tell you! Sure, the rings, the commitment and the words of reassurance may be there but tell me who's going to believe them? You're still stuck with the same PMSing, self-loathing, insecure you. It looks like something is actually going to have to change; and that something is you.

Texting and dating

They say that texting and driving is dangerous...I am guilty but I agree! What you don't hear is how dangerous texting and dating is! Seriously-more mixed messages have been sent over text than through any other medium. If a love is on the rocks, I'm convinced that texting will kill it dead! Forget the evils of facebook stalking, this is FAR worse! On facebook you can let your inner busybody/stalker out. It's a healthy outlet for a not so healthy curiosity. But texting...Oh the games we play! We find ourselves getting asked out on dates and broken up with via text. I do it all the time-If the situation gets uncomfortable it's much easier to confront problems in black and white than to deal with them within the messy colors of human emotion! I found out that my brother had a baby via text...The worst is when you are in the middle of an important conversation and that text is delayed or the phone dies! Our emotions are on a perpetual rollercoaster that ends and begins with that message chime on your Blackberry. I'm going to try something new...no important conversations via text...can it be done?

More things I don't know

We’ve all been in those situations with people that think they know everything right? Extremely annoying in my opinion! Yeah, I definitely have a tendency to be one of those people…always have. I’ve also always found myself somehow being the leader in whatever situation I find myself. I take charge and I must seem like I know what I’m talking about. Well, I used to be like that. I’m not completely different but I realized that I am in absolutely NO leadership position! And I haven’t been in like 2 years!
Something happened. It all started when I was in undergrad. For a long time I thought I really knew what I was talking about. And don’t worry, I would make sure that you knew that I thought I knew what I was talking about! I believed that I was, UNLIKE so many others, on the right path. I was doing what God wanted me to do regardless of what everyone thought of me.On top of all of this, I was dead set on being the best. I wanted to be praised, recognized, and noticed.
The thing that saved me and is still saving me, is God, to be sure. I asked Him to show me the truth, and He did. The truth, in this case, was that I was wrong. I spoke out loudly like a fool on all the wrong things. This realization was like being punched in the stomach, hunched over and embarrassed that I needed to gasp for breath. I was so utterly and deeply disappointed because all the time I thought I was doing what God was asking of me. I thought I had found His heart. What I had really found was some other person’s interpretation of it.
This shifted something so permanently within me that I am now rarely sure of myself. I am more reserved about speaking up about what I think. I am not particularly eager to share my thoughts with the hope that they might change someone’s life (that’s the way I used to think before). I always wanted to tell everyone what God was teaching me and I wasn’t afraid to jump in. I just hate the attitude that was behind my words. I don’t want to try to teach someone something because I feel like, at the same time, I’m saying, “listen to me, I know more than you.”
I’m so scared of being there again. In this place where I think I’m better than someone else or have something that they don’t. It’s not right and it’s not God. It’s not the Gospel.
But then there’s this other part of me that says, “we all have things to teach each other and to offer,” and “it’s ok to speak up if you are really trying to help someone else.” I’m always torn between these two ways of thinking. How do I share the things that God has taught me and use the gifts that He has given me without feeling, in the end, like I’m better than someone else or have something that they don’t? I truly don’t know. It’s a definite struggle for me. Maybe you don’t have that struggle at all, lucky.
So, if I’ve faded from the Amanda I used to be it’s because I’m trying to figure this stuff out. How do I keep my peace with God and love others while being in a position of leadership? I’m not sure because it seems like all leaders do is try to tell everyone what they should and shouldn’t do. But what do they really know? And to be honest with you, I know a few key truths but after that, I’ve got nothing!
There’s part of me that still wants to be the one people come to for answers. But all I can do is tell them about all of the things that I don’t know.

Decision Time

I have been reading this book by Leo Tolstoy called “The Kingdom of God is Within You.” I have only made it through the first 30 pages because it has brought me to a place that demands a decision. I have to stare the ideas that have been put before me in the face and decide what I will do with them. I don’t take these decisions lightly and I mull them over for periods of time before they are either discarded or acclimated to my worldview.

Tolstoy looks at the world through the eyes of non-resistance. It’s a non-violent approach to life and to Christianity. I’ve heard people speak against war and in favor of forgiveness but this is something different. Maybe I haven’t heard them yet because I haven’t lived long enough, or perhaps it’s because they are rarely spoken.

Tolstoy is the man who would say that Christ demands that our forgiveness reach outside the confines of our culture to an expression that brings the Kingdom of God to earth. In the common and accepted expression of our times it would go something like this; you stole my money so I’ll have you tried by a jury of your peers and locked away. While you are incarcerated I will work towards an inner forgiveness of your offenses against me and I will pray that you find forgiveness from God. Happens everyday right? But what if it went more like this; you stole money from me-I forgive you.

People wrong us. They hurt those that we love and they take the things that we have worked hard for. How should we respond as followers of Christ? Having someone arrested and locked up is just the norm. It’s what we do here in America when someone does something wrong. If you end up in jail then you got there because you did something to deserve it. If we bomb your country it’s because you bombed ours first. Even Christians can support that right?

It’s really amazing me how incompatible these widely accepted ideas are with the Gospel of Christ. Loving your enemies, turning the other cheek, casting the first stone and the list goes on. I know there are some examples that would support our current ideas in the Old Testament but what about under the New Law? The law of grace where you come as you are? How has this blatant contradiction escaped the church’s attention and even my attention as a devout Christian? I almost think it may not be present because it is never introduced! Maybe embracing total love and forgiveness just costs too much. Is it just too hard to care about a stranger as much we do our own loved ones? Of course I naturally care more about my sister than I do the man who might try to attack her on her way to her car. Would I lock that man up to keep my sister from harm? What if I loved them both equally and saw them both as children of God?

What did Christ mean by forgiving those who trespass against us?

So here I am again at this wall. Do I climb over to start a new life on the other side? I could always turn around and forget that I ever saw it. Either way, a decision has to be made.

It started at the beginning...

I haven't blogged in awhile...I am a child of the Xanga generation and then Xanga dropped off the radar for facebook. But I'm finding that facebook doesn't allow me the adequate word count to say all of the things that are constantly bouncing around this curious brain of mine. And it seems that picking fights with status updates has been quite a temptation! So, in order to peacefully express ideas and inklings of ideas I have returned to blogging! Dun dun dun! It doesn't matter to me if this blog is ever read or not-it's for me. I find that my thoughts put themselves together much better when I turn to writing. Something that might otherwise take me months to gnaw on and digest might take me a week if I'd only sit down and take the time to put it to words. The end goal is that this blog will change ME for the better as I stumble on towards whatever I'm looking for.