Today I am grateful.
I have been a big ball of flesh eating anxiety for years. I tried eating better, cutting out caffeine, going to bed earlier, no alcohol, exercising more, vitamins, massage, medication, meditation, journaling and prayer. NOTHING was working! I would still wake up with anxious feelings from an unidentifiable source. I was resigned that this must just be my "thorn in the flesh;" that thing that will never go away, that I will always struggle with. Clueless as to the cause I trudged on sleeping less and drinking more.
One night, for what felt like the hundredth time I lost it. I got so upset that I was always upset that I cried my eyes out in the bathtub. So many times I have been in that place, frustrated with God for allowing this to happen to me, angry that His promises were not panning out, depressed that things were never going to change, afraid because I have to do it all over again tomorrow. As I cried I felt this deep ache in a part of my soul that had been forgotten. The ache grew as I let myself really feel it. And then, without even thinking I gave voice to that ache. I gave voice and what came out was something I've wanted desperately but never realized. As I said it, I realized I wanted it more than anything else in the world, more than God. I could suddenly see how this one child like, selfish, primitive desire has been secretly the underpinned motivation for EVERYTHING I do. I felt so stupid!
Bottom line: our hearts can hide so many things from us. It's scary how well built our defenses really are. We are the masters of self deception. I have been running around at the surface level looking for something tangible to pin my anxiety on but it was buried so deep that God Himself had to pull back the curtain and open my own heart to me so that I could see.
Here's where the thanks comes in....God used my anxiety to keep me searching. He doesn't leave us unfinished, it's a promise. He will do whatever it takes to keep us running to Him for help, for salvation. Now I look back on every bought of anxiety as God's flashing warning light, showing me that something down deep is broken, something is wrong. I could have lived the rest of my life for the wrong reasons if God hadn't given me the gift of crippling fear. That fear sent me running to Him over and over again. Something was wrong, something I had no ability to see, let alone fix.
Whatever cyclical struggle that you have, whatever "thorn" that pricks you over and over, it's there for a reason. God is too good to let you go on your way when something inside needs fixing. He's using that struggle to get your attention; to show you that there's something that needs healing. God will search your heart and show you truth if you ask. He will help you have the courage to face that thing you buried; after all, you buried it for a reason.
Take the hint that God has been throwing your way. Spring is here, it's time for something new.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Higher
Oh there is a war inside of me, pulling me
away with defeat and closer with every victory. As the years go by I trudge on
with my trademarked moves and stick stubbornly to tools of my own devising. As
I wage I feel His gaze, like someone watching me from behind. My first instinct is to ask how I’m
doing but there’s no time to lose; I’ve got to keep going. There are things
that I need, people I want, and accomplishments I crave. Yielding any ground on
those things or those people, even to you, feels like giving up. If I stop
trying, manipulating, chasing I might lose them all. Even the imagined thought
of loss, of failure or the unthinkable ultimate regret strangles and my chest
tightens.
In the haze of fear, I desperately follow
a barely audible promise that you are teaching me something new, that I’m
becoming something new. The thought excites me, floods me; I strain harder to
listen. He says His thoughts are higher than mine and His ways are higher too. What
if He knows me so deeply that He loves the things that I love? I interject! Oh
God, help me to go higher! Show me how it’s done! I’m always afraid, always
scared that I’ve missed it. Always worried that if I don’t get it right
everything will implode, and I’ll be maimed and worthless. Then I lose a
battle. I do the things that I don’t want to do and feel the shame, and know
I’m already worthless.
You carry my weak body, flesh and spirit alike, past
the violence of the war around us. You force open my blind eyes, causing them to
see something beyond the anguish and angst I feel over and within my own soul.
You pull me with you to the clouds to see from above what I had missed from
below. It’s bigger than me. It’s
so wonderfully bigger than me. The sting of death, of failure, has vanished in
the blazing dawn of victory. The
eternal and the infinite are at work here. Love is law and all is won.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Fight!
Matthew 24:10-13
“And then many will fall away and betray one another and
hate one another. And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray. And
because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. But the
one who endures to the end will be saved.”
Who
isn’t disgusted with the current state of the American Evangelical church?
Aren’t we all tired of the “Five Steps to Faith?” There are so many seemingly
uneducated pastors running around saying things that your “gut” just knows aren’t
the truth, cringing moments where you are rethinking bringing your friend to
church. Ever left a church service seething in anger with a terrible desire to
punch the pastor in the face? Unfortunately, hypocrisy has become the church’s bread
and butter, to the point that churchgoers just have to accept it as part of the
package if they want to keep going. Just as Christ predicted, we have started
destroying ourselves causing “the love of many” to “grow cold.”
Jesus is speaking to His Disciples
in this passage. He’s telling them of the signs to watch for that tells us the
end is near. The verses before this tell of a time when Christians will be
persecuted by the whole world. Obviously, we are not in that time period but we
can see what he’s talking about in these verses happening right in front of us.
The point is, Jesus is not surprised that this is going on and we shouldn’t be
either.
Think of the parable of the
Virgins. You know, the ones standing/sleeping, waiting for the bridegroom to
come. There are ten of them and only five of them have enough oil to last
through the processional to enter the house of the Bridegroom. So there they
are when the bridegroom approaches, standing with an empty vessel…awkward. They had some oil at one point but now
they are void of the very thing they need to “get in.” They look just like all
the others but they lack the essential ingredient to produce that warm blazing
light. When they leave to go find some and come back, the Bridegroom/Jesus has
already shut the door and says, “Truly I say to you, I do not know you.”
Keep in mind it’s a parable, so
it’s not perfect. Now, obviously these people believed themselves to be close
enough friends to be part of the bridal processional. They thought they were
in. Just like in Matthew 7 where another group of supposed worshippers claim to
have prophesied, cast out demons and done mighty works in Jesus’ name. He says
the same thing to them, “I never knew you, depart from me.” They weren’t the
real deal; they did a lot of cool stuff but they didn’t KNOW Him.
Bottom line, our houses of worship
are filled with fakes and phonies and it’s no surprise. In fact, when it’s all
said and done, the fakes and phonies will probably be super shoked that the
fingers being pointed at them! There is an eventual promise of the separation
of the “goats from the sheep”, but the judgment of who’s who is NOT up to me
and you. That judgment lies with
God, the only one who can see into the heart of another. What’s important to
you, is the condition of YOUR HEART.
It’s hard to see through the crap
that’s out there. But there are also some great, loving, selfless, educated
people that love Christ. There are others that feel like you and I know that if
you pray, God will be faithful to help you find them. So keep up the good
fight, don’t let that lamp go out. The love and freedom of the Gospel are worth
fighting for!
Some sources of great Gospel teaching to tide you over….
DesiringGod.org (free sermons and books, podcasts available
through itunes)
Grace Community Church Podcasts
One of my all time favorite sermons
Monday, February 27, 2012
A sense of entitlement
Any of you in public service jobs know that people suck! Man, they are rude, ungrateful, stingy, self seeking and no matter how hard you try to help them they don't seem give a damn!!! They go way beyond ungrateful to down right entitled. I would come home from work just dreading going in the next day because of the scumbag personalities I was going to be stuck with for 12 hours next shift.
I have always wanted a job in which I help the poor and suffering but I wasn't ready to deal with their attitudes. After awhile it's hard to say to yourself, "It's ok, he/she didn't have all of the nice blessings that you grew up with so they don't know any better." No, I mean that may be partially true, but they know exactly what they are doing and would do it again if given the chance. Dealing with these personalities was leaving me empty, bitter and void of the hope I know my faith in Christ was supposed to be supplying to me! No matter how much I prayed, I never felt full enough of God's love to leave work feeling like I wasn't dangling at the end of my own rope and feeling my own sense of entitlement to have some rest!
Obviously, this is not a healthy picture. I was really struggling with it, even questioning my career at times. But those of you who know God, know that He sometimes lets you get to the end of your unraveling rope just so you understand that you can't do it without Him.
And here we turn to old Oswald Chambers,"But the chief motivation behind Paul's service was not love for others, but love for his Lord. If our devotion is to the cause of humanity, we will be quickly defeated and broken hearted, snce we will often be confronted with a great deal of ingratitude from other people. But if we are motivated by our love for God, no amount of ingratitude will be albe to hinder us from serving one another." When I read that, something clicked in my mind. Love for the Lord was not my cheif motivation. All this time, I have been expecting thanks and gratitude. Why else would it make me upset to see people who were ungrateful?
I am learning to work because I love the Lord, not just because I want to love people. Because the truth is, without love for God in the forefront, I don't even like people. Every time my worst patient called me into his/her room this week, I was thinking, I want to go because I love God.
After adopting this thinking, the change in my attitude was immediate. Somehow this slight difference meant the world. Working and serving God instead of "humanity" made the ungrateful nature of some tolerable and pityable. I went home energized and happy. I can't explain why this seemingly slight difference made such an impact on me. It still feels like a mystery.
I do know now that love for God is alltogether different than love for people. It encompasses our entire life's journey with God and who can put that into words? How does love for God motivate and stretch us beyond our human capacity? I don't know if I could even stand an explanation as it seems so personal for each of us.
I must also keep in mind that no amount of service to others can ever repay my debt to Christ. And what's even better, He doesn't ask me to repay it. He gives it freely and without any condition other than my belief. Christ served humanity without any want for repayment. As my personal life in service has shown me, that kind of love is truly of another world.
So let love for God be your motivation, that your cup may be ever full so that you might continually be poured out in service to a broken world.
I have always wanted a job in which I help the poor and suffering but I wasn't ready to deal with their attitudes. After awhile it's hard to say to yourself, "It's ok, he/she didn't have all of the nice blessings that you grew up with so they don't know any better." No, I mean that may be partially true, but they know exactly what they are doing and would do it again if given the chance. Dealing with these personalities was leaving me empty, bitter and void of the hope I know my faith in Christ was supposed to be supplying to me! No matter how much I prayed, I never felt full enough of God's love to leave work feeling like I wasn't dangling at the end of my own rope and feeling my own sense of entitlement to have some rest!
Obviously, this is not a healthy picture. I was really struggling with it, even questioning my career at times. But those of you who know God, know that He sometimes lets you get to the end of your unraveling rope just so you understand that you can't do it without Him.
And here we turn to old Oswald Chambers,"But the chief motivation behind Paul's service was not love for others, but love for his Lord. If our devotion is to the cause of humanity, we will be quickly defeated and broken hearted, snce we will often be confronted with a great deal of ingratitude from other people. But if we are motivated by our love for God, no amount of ingratitude will be albe to hinder us from serving one another." When I read that, something clicked in my mind. Love for the Lord was not my cheif motivation. All this time, I have been expecting thanks and gratitude. Why else would it make me upset to see people who were ungrateful?
I am learning to work because I love the Lord, not just because I want to love people. Because the truth is, without love for God in the forefront, I don't even like people. Every time my worst patient called me into his/her room this week, I was thinking, I want to go because I love God.
After adopting this thinking, the change in my attitude was immediate. Somehow this slight difference meant the world. Working and serving God instead of "humanity" made the ungrateful nature of some tolerable and pityable. I went home energized and happy. I can't explain why this seemingly slight difference made such an impact on me. It still feels like a mystery.
I do know now that love for God is alltogether different than love for people. It encompasses our entire life's journey with God and who can put that into words? How does love for God motivate and stretch us beyond our human capacity? I don't know if I could even stand an explanation as it seems so personal for each of us.
I must also keep in mind that no amount of service to others can ever repay my debt to Christ. And what's even better, He doesn't ask me to repay it. He gives it freely and without any condition other than my belief. Christ served humanity without any want for repayment. As my personal life in service has shown me, that kind of love is truly of another world.
So let love for God be your motivation, that your cup may be ever full so that you might continually be poured out in service to a broken world.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Ripping the Band Aid off
For the first time in a long time, I have a prayer life. I always pray when I'm walking and getting ready and that sort of thing but now I'm actually sitting down to just pray. I used to do this all the time....for hours and hours and hours. It got a bit unhealthy to say the least. I was trapped in feeling like I HAD to pray or something bad was going to happen to me because I didn't spend my time in prayer that day. I think that's why I've avoided it for so long. I was afraid of those feelings, which are obviously a perversion of my relationship with God. And, you know, they did try to creep in on me shortly after I started, when I didn't allot time for prayer on a particular day. But, over the past four years, God has changed me so much that when I started to have those thoughts they were like a foreign alien to me and I recognized them right away! Well guess what people! I didn't pray this morning and God still loves me! I haven't prayed for the last few years in the traditional sense and He's still been teaching me! He's been walking with me and revealing things to me and He's still helping me make decisions! He never left me or made me feel like I was a disappointment. After not praying for so long and then entering into the prayer mindset again as, I feel like a different person than I was the first time around. I feel more confident in God's love for me and it's unfailing nature. I don't care anymore what people think about my spirituality. I know I am His and He is mine, no matter what. So as I sat down to pray this time, things were different.
This time, it has been less about feeling like I have to and more about feeling like I WANT to. God has already proven to me over and over again that if I don't pray, He wont leave me. I'm not impressing Him by spending hours on my knees either. This time it's really about wanting more of God, needing more of Him. I think the most glaring thing that has changed in me since I began praying is that God is on a roll with showing me some major imperfections. Next to His holiness, I really look worse than a mud puddle. By spending time with Him I am beginning to see myself more clearly. In my line of work, I see so many lives around me that have somehow self destructed and I know that, left alone, I am headed for the same fate. I'm no better than anyone and thinking "that will never happen to me" is foolish. Our human nature just loves to push us into making terrible decisions. We are pushed into sin by our own selfish desires. Sometimes those desires are so overwhelming that it feels like they cannot be overcome. And maybe they can't. Maybe what we really need is for those desires to be completely changed.
I want God to change me: to change those desires in me that will lead me down the wide path of destruction. In my times of prayer, I am coming to see that one of God's greatest gifts is the truth. He's showing me the brutal, unvarnished truth about myself. Being told whats up isn't always the most pleasant experience, but I know it's a wonderful gift, a second chance to swerve back on course. So maybe the hardest part of prayer is mustering up the courage to listen to what God has to say about you.... Rip the band aid off, and go for it. It's the second chance of a lifetime.
This time, it has been less about feeling like I have to and more about feeling like I WANT to. God has already proven to me over and over again that if I don't pray, He wont leave me. I'm not impressing Him by spending hours on my knees either. This time it's really about wanting more of God, needing more of Him. I think the most glaring thing that has changed in me since I began praying is that God is on a roll with showing me some major imperfections. Next to His holiness, I really look worse than a mud puddle. By spending time with Him I am beginning to see myself more clearly. In my line of work, I see so many lives around me that have somehow self destructed and I know that, left alone, I am headed for the same fate. I'm no better than anyone and thinking "that will never happen to me" is foolish. Our human nature just loves to push us into making terrible decisions. We are pushed into sin by our own selfish desires. Sometimes those desires are so overwhelming that it feels like they cannot be overcome. And maybe they can't. Maybe what we really need is for those desires to be completely changed.
I want God to change me: to change those desires in me that will lead me down the wide path of destruction. In my times of prayer, I am coming to see that one of God's greatest gifts is the truth. He's showing me the brutal, unvarnished truth about myself. Being told whats up isn't always the most pleasant experience, but I know it's a wonderful gift, a second chance to swerve back on course. So maybe the hardest part of prayer is mustering up the courage to listen to what God has to say about you.... Rip the band aid off, and go for it. It's the second chance of a lifetime.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
From Darkness to Light
Hello family-
These past few months have been full of careful contemplation for me. I confess it has been slow moving for many reasons. One is that I have been extremely busy with nursing school, graduation, vacation, starting a new job, etc. The other is that I simply didn't and still don't know how to proceed.
I have spent the past 3 years in a rough state. I graduated from Lee University with my theology degree only to decide that I did not want to jump into full time ministry, which had been my goal for the previous 6 years. I decided against this because I had seen so many abuses and found that the church, as a whole, was not very reflective of the Christ and Gospel message that I loved so dearly. I was beaten down over and over by a gospel message that focused on works, works, works. As a Christian, I was taught to look and act a certain way to gain Gods' acceptance. I'm also from the South and the culture there can be very judgmental. I constantly worried about my Godly appearance and fell in line with the rest by judging others on theirs. I worked hard to feel good about my relationship with God. Of course, it was never enough as the rules kept stacking up, reminding me of my failures. So, I began judging my success or failure in the only way I knew how; by comparing myself to others. I might feel terrible when I compared myself to Christ but at least I was doing better than Jill or Tommy so God must love me more right?
I'm extremely competative and for years I wrongfully applied this to my faith and compared myself to every pious person around me. I worked harder and harder to gain God's love and approval. Thankfully this work included Bible study and through my studies God showed me that I was missing the point entirely. His love and acceptance is a free gift and He will never love me any more or any less because of my actions. I can never do anything to make Him love me more or less. In fact, He loves the murderous criminal just as much as He loves me. For a competitive person, this was a humbling experience. I'm not going to lie, at first I was disappointed when I learned this. I guess I always wanted to be God's favorite and I wanted to do something great. This disappointment quickly turned into joy when I realized the unbelievable weight that had been lifted from my shoulders. Years of feeling guilty and like I wasn't doing enough for God melted away and for the first time in my life I experienced Christ's burden as easy and His yoke light.
As is probably painfully ovbvious, I came from an extremely religious (not in a good way) background. I saw myself falling back into those old ways and mindsets should I place myself back into that environment. I guess you could say that my addiction is man made religion. I'm pretty good at it. I had finally been set free and I desperately needed that freedom and unconditional acceptance that God had so faithfully shown me. My new way of thinking and seeing the Gospel just made me furious when I went to church and heard the half truths and false gospels that had so greatly entangled me. I really and honestly just got tired of going to church and leaving angry. I felt like there was no way I could be myself and be accepted, much less be a minister and leader. Not only that but I didn't believe in the ideas presented and couldn't dedicate my lifes work to the cause. There's no way I was turning my back on the freedom that God had given me in exchange for serving another master. So, I haven't been going to church for really the past three years. I mean i've been to probably 30 churches in the Valley with my choir and have tried attending several others and I just couldn't do it. I've been struggling to figure out what to do with myself and the knowledge that I had the wonderful opportunity to gain. I loved God more than ever but felt less at home with His people than I ever had.
I still wanted to serve so I went to nursing school to care for people in another way. In the mean time, I've been trying to figure out how to fulfill that calling in me that sent me into school for theology in the first place. I absolutely love caring for people bodily, but I love theology and didn't really know what to do with it especially if I wasn't going to church.
Act 2: I was in a choir at Grand Canyon University and we sang before a chapel service. I only attended this service because I had to be there to sing and had never gone to any others. Pastor Jeff got up to speak and I was amazed at what I was hearing! He was speaking in some of the same terms that God used to set me free (apparently we both love John Piper)!!! I couldn't believe it but I was hearing the Gospel as God had shown it to me! The only thing I remembered was Apologia and I searched on the internet for the church and started going!
I know it might sound crazy to you but I haven't heard the true Gospel preached in church in what seems like forever. God used the first few chapters of Romans, especially Romans 4:4 to change my life when I was at Lee and I show up to Apologia and what is Pastor Jeff preaching on??? Many of the sermons have brought tears to my eyes simply because I had lost hope that I would ever hear them presented with such accuracy at church. Now, I see that my faith was small and God has others out there that are searching and presenting the truth. My faith is being restored and I'm starting to feel like I belong with Gods' people again.
As some of you know, I started going to Apologia as my nursing school escapade was coming to a close. I had gone to nursing school because I felt like I didn't belong in the church anymore and couldn't bear to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life as a minister. But now, I have found Apologia and my excuses for abandoning my theological pursuits are running out. I feel rusty and unsharpened. I have lost confidence in my knowledge and ability. I truly don't know what to do with myself. I hope and pray that this next year is a year of healing, restoration and direction. My husband will be searching for a residency program and I don't know if we will be able to remain in the Phoenix area for more than a year!!!!! I've just found Apologia and already I feel it slipping away. The thought of being churchless and faithless again scares me to death but it is a real possibility. I will be praying for faith to endure and not lose my way this time around. God has proved Himself faithful over and over. I'm so glad to have you as my brothers and sisters (heck, I'm just glad to feel like I have brothers and sisters)! I want more than anything to start forward into faithfully pursuing God together as a family.
These past few months have been full of careful contemplation for me. I confess it has been slow moving for many reasons. One is that I have been extremely busy with nursing school, graduation, vacation, starting a new job, etc. The other is that I simply didn't and still don't know how to proceed.
I have spent the past 3 years in a rough state. I graduated from Lee University with my theology degree only to decide that I did not want to jump into full time ministry, which had been my goal for the previous 6 years. I decided against this because I had seen so many abuses and found that the church, as a whole, was not very reflective of the Christ and Gospel message that I loved so dearly. I was beaten down over and over by a gospel message that focused on works, works, works. As a Christian, I was taught to look and act a certain way to gain Gods' acceptance. I'm also from the South and the culture there can be very judgmental. I constantly worried about my Godly appearance and fell in line with the rest by judging others on theirs. I worked hard to feel good about my relationship with God. Of course, it was never enough as the rules kept stacking up, reminding me of my failures. So, I began judging my success or failure in the only way I knew how; by comparing myself to others. I might feel terrible when I compared myself to Christ but at least I was doing better than Jill or Tommy so God must love me more right?
I'm extremely competative and for years I wrongfully applied this to my faith and compared myself to every pious person around me. I worked harder and harder to gain God's love and approval. Thankfully this work included Bible study and through my studies God showed me that I was missing the point entirely. His love and acceptance is a free gift and He will never love me any more or any less because of my actions. I can never do anything to make Him love me more or less. In fact, He loves the murderous criminal just as much as He loves me. For a competitive person, this was a humbling experience. I'm not going to lie, at first I was disappointed when I learned this. I guess I always wanted to be God's favorite and I wanted to do something great. This disappointment quickly turned into joy when I realized the unbelievable weight that had been lifted from my shoulders. Years of feeling guilty and like I wasn't doing enough for God melted away and for the first time in my life I experienced Christ's burden as easy and His yoke light.
As is probably painfully ovbvious, I came from an extremely religious (not in a good way) background. I saw myself falling back into those old ways and mindsets should I place myself back into that environment. I guess you could say that my addiction is man made religion. I'm pretty good at it. I had finally been set free and I desperately needed that freedom and unconditional acceptance that God had so faithfully shown me. My new way of thinking and seeing the Gospel just made me furious when I went to church and heard the half truths and false gospels that had so greatly entangled me. I really and honestly just got tired of going to church and leaving angry. I felt like there was no way I could be myself and be accepted, much less be a minister and leader. Not only that but I didn't believe in the ideas presented and couldn't dedicate my lifes work to the cause. There's no way I was turning my back on the freedom that God had given me in exchange for serving another master. So, I haven't been going to church for really the past three years. I mean i've been to probably 30 churches in the Valley with my choir and have tried attending several others and I just couldn't do it. I've been struggling to figure out what to do with myself and the knowledge that I had the wonderful opportunity to gain. I loved God more than ever but felt less at home with His people than I ever had.
I still wanted to serve so I went to nursing school to care for people in another way. In the mean time, I've been trying to figure out how to fulfill that calling in me that sent me into school for theology in the first place. I absolutely love caring for people bodily, but I love theology and didn't really know what to do with it especially if I wasn't going to church.
Act 2: I was in a choir at Grand Canyon University and we sang before a chapel service. I only attended this service because I had to be there to sing and had never gone to any others. Pastor Jeff got up to speak and I was amazed at what I was hearing! He was speaking in some of the same terms that God used to set me free (apparently we both love John Piper)!!! I couldn't believe it but I was hearing the Gospel as God had shown it to me! The only thing I remembered was Apologia and I searched on the internet for the church and started going!
I know it might sound crazy to you but I haven't heard the true Gospel preached in church in what seems like forever. God used the first few chapters of Romans, especially Romans 4:4 to change my life when I was at Lee and I show up to Apologia and what is Pastor Jeff preaching on??? Many of the sermons have brought tears to my eyes simply because I had lost hope that I would ever hear them presented with such accuracy at church. Now, I see that my faith was small and God has others out there that are searching and presenting the truth. My faith is being restored and I'm starting to feel like I belong with Gods' people again.
As some of you know, I started going to Apologia as my nursing school escapade was coming to a close. I had gone to nursing school because I felt like I didn't belong in the church anymore and couldn't bear to walk on egg shells for the rest of my life as a minister. But now, I have found Apologia and my excuses for abandoning my theological pursuits are running out. I feel rusty and unsharpened. I have lost confidence in my knowledge and ability. I truly don't know what to do with myself. I hope and pray that this next year is a year of healing, restoration and direction. My husband will be searching for a residency program and I don't know if we will be able to remain in the Phoenix area for more than a year!!!!! I've just found Apologia and already I feel it slipping away. The thought of being churchless and faithless again scares me to death but it is a real possibility. I will be praying for faith to endure and not lose my way this time around. God has proved Himself faithful over and over. I'm so glad to have you as my brothers and sisters (heck, I'm just glad to feel like I have brothers and sisters)! I want more than anything to start forward into faithfully pursuing God together as a family.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Free Time
Hello all! I haven't been blogging in oh so long due to my school work load and my travels abroad but now I'm graduated and back in the good old US of A! I'd like to start blogging again and I thought today would be my first one out of the gate! I'd like to share a sermon, one of many that are amazing from my pastor Jeff Durbin. It's been years since I've heard the actual Gospel in church and not a hokey three point sermon about how I should be more faithful. I'm so blessed to be in the presence of sound teaching. Soak it in!
Start at minute 14 for the message!
http://sermon.net/apologiachurch/sermonid/2698186
Start at minute 14 for the message!
http://sermon.net/apologiachurch/sermonid/2698186
Monday, November 15, 2010
The Five Freedoms
I ran across this is a support group at one of my clinicals recently and I thought it was really good. I actually learned a lot about myself as I was forced to participate! :) I added some of my own comments in just for fun! What do you think?
The Five Freedoms
1. The freedom to see and hear what is here and now, rather than what was, will be, or "should" be.
What were/are you supposed to pretend and what is the truth?
2. The freedom to think what I think instead of what I "should" think
What were/are you supposed to think and what do you really think?
3. The freedom to feel what I feel instead of what I "should" feel
How were/are you supposed to feel? How do you really feel?
4. The freedom to want what I want instead of what I "should" want
What things are you supposed to want? What do you really want?
5. The freedom to create my true self instead of playing a role or playing it safe.
What role do you play in your family/community? What role do you want to play?
I really think that growing up as kids we get these ideas from our parents and from our influences that tell us what we should be or how we are. I don't think that's always bad. We shouldn't lie or steal even if we feel like doing it. But some of the things we are told are just straight up lies. Maybe your needs really weren't being met as a kid even though your parents kept telling you that you were lucky to have all that you did. We work towards either being who we want to be or getting rid of those lies that shape our thoughts about ourselves. I think this process starts with realizing who you are, right now. So how do you really feel and what do you really want? What is the truth?
The Five Freedoms
1. The freedom to see and hear what is here and now, rather than what was, will be, or "should" be.
What were/are you supposed to pretend and what is the truth?
2. The freedom to think what I think instead of what I "should" think
What were/are you supposed to think and what do you really think?
3. The freedom to feel what I feel instead of what I "should" feel
How were/are you supposed to feel? How do you really feel?
4. The freedom to want what I want instead of what I "should" want
What things are you supposed to want? What do you really want?
5. The freedom to create my true self instead of playing a role or playing it safe.
What role do you play in your family/community? What role do you want to play?
I really think that growing up as kids we get these ideas from our parents and from our influences that tell us what we should be or how we are. I don't think that's always bad. We shouldn't lie or steal even if we feel like doing it. But some of the things we are told are just straight up lies. Maybe your needs really weren't being met as a kid even though your parents kept telling you that you were lucky to have all that you did. We work towards either being who we want to be or getting rid of those lies that shape our thoughts about ourselves. I think this process starts with realizing who you are, right now. So how do you really feel and what do you really want? What is the truth?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
The God of Nature
So, I guess there was this study done in England and the results showed that being in green places and being in nature actually had a positive impact on the health of the poor people in that country. This was an NPR story and the person who was commenting also mentioned that there seems to be a correlation between access to green space and spirituality. The more green space, the deeper the spiritual connection. I love this and find it to be true in my own life. I really connect with God through nature. Seeing His creations speaks to me about God's existence. I think it's interesting that as the world's people become more and more surrounded by things that are human made, we begin to forget God. We forget the majesty of the mountains and the grandeur of the glacial when we are tucked safely away in our cookie cutter houses. We become separate from God's creations and become more intimate with our own. As we become more wrapped up in what humans can do, we become more consumed with our own abilities and begin to look into ourselves for answers. This connection between our surroundings and our inner workings is fascinating.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Water
http://moreintelligentlife.com/story/david-foster-wallace-in-his-own-words
This is super long, but really important. I have felt like I have been snapping in and out of what he refers to as, auto-pilot recently. I think this the real purpose of prayer, meditation and the discipline of reading God's word. Something has to snap me out of, not just thinking about myself, but thinking in the way that I naturally think. God knows I've found that my rabbit trails make me a useless and miserable person. I need to be reminded about the "water" that surrounds me. That seems to be the great struggle of life, remembering those life fulfilling things that are right in front of you as you live out a monotonous and repetitive life.
This is super long, but really important. I have felt like I have been snapping in and out of what he refers to as, auto-pilot recently. I think this the real purpose of prayer, meditation and the discipline of reading God's word. Something has to snap me out of, not just thinking about myself, but thinking in the way that I naturally think. God knows I've found that my rabbit trails make me a useless and miserable person. I need to be reminded about the "water" that surrounds me. That seems to be the great struggle of life, remembering those life fulfilling things that are right in front of you as you live out a monotonous and repetitive life.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Church
I am about 6 months from graduating from nursing school. It was such a shift in thought and it felt good to get out of the realm of ideas for awhile. I feel like I was stuck in the theoretical and we were always learning about loving our neighbors and being the love of God so, I wanted to go out and do
that! I feel like I have now learned a set of skills that will better prepare me to love others and open up many doors of opportunity that might have otherwise been closed. It has also served other purposes
along the way. I am writing because I don't really go to church anymore. I still love God more than anything but there are so many things that happen in the church that I cannot get past. Maybe it's
because I'm young and idealistic or maybe because the core message of Christ seems to have been lost. I know there are good people serving the church out there, and I think their efforts are valiant, but I
hate feeling like I can't be myself in church. I don't want to be two people and I find that I am not accepted well otherwise. I originally set out to be a minister but at this point I don't think my views and
my lifestyle would be accepted. I have a drink here and there and I watch some R rated movies. I feel like I'm always looked down upon if I say a cuss word or talk about Flight of the Concords at church. The stark realization that I had this morning was that the classroom was my church when I was studying theology. It was my gathering together of believers, the place where my overactive mind worshiped the living God. I have not had that church in over 2 years now and I don't know what to do with myself.
that! I feel like I have now learned a set of skills that will better prepare me to love others and open up many doors of opportunity that might have otherwise been closed. It has also served other purposes
along the way. I am writing because I don't really go to church anymore. I still love God more than anything but there are so many things that happen in the church that I cannot get past. Maybe it's
because I'm young and idealistic or maybe because the core message of Christ seems to have been lost. I know there are good people serving the church out there, and I think their efforts are valiant, but I
hate feeling like I can't be myself in church. I don't want to be two people and I find that I am not accepted well otherwise. I originally set out to be a minister but at this point I don't think my views and
my lifestyle would be accepted. I have a drink here and there and I watch some R rated movies. I feel like I'm always looked down upon if I say a cuss word or talk about Flight of the Concords at church. The stark realization that I had this morning was that the classroom was my church when I was studying theology. It was my gathering together of believers, the place where my overactive mind worshiped the living God. I have not had that church in over 2 years now and I don't know what to do with myself.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
ZZZZZZZZ
I can't sleep. And I realized today that I might be a Quaker.
Random right? We really have a lot in common I'm finding out. Well, truthfully I don't know that much about them but I know that I do agree with some of their core tenants. I am a pacifist because of Christ's teachings and I don't think one man should get up and tell everyone what to do once a week. The Quakers sit in a circle to show that all members are equal because they all have the Holy Spirit living inside of them. Priesthood of all believers anyone? Everyone may speak if they so desire or feel that God is leading them. OH,and they never ask for money! There are a few things I'm iffy about and I see the potential for what I might call wishy washiness-but there are about 100 things I'm iffy about when it comes to the American church! I figure I'll check into it at the very least. If anyone has any insight or experience with Quakers I'd love to hear it!
Random right? We really have a lot in common I'm finding out. Well, truthfully I don't know that much about them but I know that I do agree with some of their core tenants. I am a pacifist because of Christ's teachings and I don't think one man should get up and tell everyone what to do once a week. The Quakers sit in a circle to show that all members are equal because they all have the Holy Spirit living inside of them. Priesthood of all believers anyone? Everyone may speak if they so desire or feel that God is leading them. OH,and they never ask for money! There are a few things I'm iffy about and I see the potential for what I might call wishy washiness-but there are about 100 things I'm iffy about when it comes to the American church! I figure I'll check into it at the very least. If anyone has any insight or experience with Quakers I'd love to hear it!
Friday, August 20, 2010
being a nerd
I love school-I really do. But I feel like I am schooling my life away! I can't wait to be normal and go to work and come home. But I now myself and I'll give it six months before I'm bored! What to do with this personality! I always want to be learning or tackling something new. I think that's ok I just need to get out of the realm of the academic. It's way to expensive to keep going back, not to mention it is a complete time sucker! Please remind me of this in a year when I start talking about going back to school!!!!
I needed a ride to the airport today and I realized that I had no one to ask because I haven't hung out with anyone outside of school in sooooo long! I have school friends and now I have theater friends. They are all great but what's going to happen when school ends or when the play is over? It's kind of depressing. I suppose then I will make work friends and random extracurricular activity friends along the way. Don't you hate how friendships fall apart when you aren't forced to see each other everyday?
I needed a ride to the airport today and I realized that I had no one to ask because I haven't hung out with anyone outside of school in sooooo long! I have school friends and now I have theater friends. They are all great but what's going to happen when school ends or when the play is over? It's kind of depressing. I suppose then I will make work friends and random extracurricular activity friends along the way. Don't you hate how friendships fall apart when you aren't forced to see each other everyday?
Monday, August 9, 2010
Freedom
I am a Christian, but I don’t want to force anyone to live by my moral standards. I want the government to allow our people to choose how they live their lives so that I might have the freedom to live mine as I choose. When you force someone to choose the road that your faith deems right you take away any semblance of love. When your restrain those who do not feel the presence of your indwelling God, it only leads to rebellion.
Some have said that the majority of Americans are Christian so the laws should reflect Christian values. To them I say that laws made based on the majority are dangerous because that majority can always change. What if the majority of Americans were child molesters? Should we then change the laws to favor them? There was a time when the majority of Americans were pro slavery. Thankfully our laws on this issue did not reflect the majority.
Many have strong religious objections to allowing homosexuals to marry. I understand these objections because I know what the Bible says about homosexuality. From a church standpoint I get it. I think churches should always have the right to decide whether or not they will condone gay marriage. If it is opposed and it is decided that this interaction is not compatible with the Christian faith then I fully support that decision.
But I do not think that the United States government can approach this subject in the same manner as churches do and be faithful to values of freedom. It is the nature of this great land to allow freedom of its inhabitants. Not only freedom for one way of life, freedom for many ways of life. We may express ourselves differently and align ourselves with different religions but we MUST stay focused on the one thing that this government has allowed us to share-freedom. We have made an attempt to live differently yet coexist peacefully.
We can see this in the American’s reaction to terrorism. I don’t always agree with the way these situations are handled by our government. I don’t ever advocate killing or bombing others. But I do understand that the enemy that is being fought is that voice that says, “Its not ok to believe what you believe. You must believe what we believe or you must either change or die.” When people stand up with this voice it is contrary to everything in the American psyche. Yet American Christians do the same thing to non-Christians and gays everyday (with the exception of the penalty of death in some cases). It is constantly being said to them that it is not all right for them to believe what they believe. Think of the reaction that you would have to this statement!
My point is, we cannot force lasting change. We must support a government that allows for our freedom-everyone’s freedom (unless that freedom means harming someone else). In this climate of freedom, Christianity can flourish and others are free to be called by Christ through love instead of being forced and condemned. That love is what changes us forever.
Some have said that the majority of Americans are Christian so the laws should reflect Christian values. To them I say that laws made based on the majority are dangerous because that majority can always change. What if the majority of Americans were child molesters? Should we then change the laws to favor them? There was a time when the majority of Americans were pro slavery. Thankfully our laws on this issue did not reflect the majority.
Many have strong religious objections to allowing homosexuals to marry. I understand these objections because I know what the Bible says about homosexuality. From a church standpoint I get it. I think churches should always have the right to decide whether or not they will condone gay marriage. If it is opposed and it is decided that this interaction is not compatible with the Christian faith then I fully support that decision.
But I do not think that the United States government can approach this subject in the same manner as churches do and be faithful to values of freedom. It is the nature of this great land to allow freedom of its inhabitants. Not only freedom for one way of life, freedom for many ways of life. We may express ourselves differently and align ourselves with different religions but we MUST stay focused on the one thing that this government has allowed us to share-freedom. We have made an attempt to live differently yet coexist peacefully.
We can see this in the American’s reaction to terrorism. I don’t always agree with the way these situations are handled by our government. I don’t ever advocate killing or bombing others. But I do understand that the enemy that is being fought is that voice that says, “Its not ok to believe what you believe. You must believe what we believe or you must either change or die.” When people stand up with this voice it is contrary to everything in the American psyche. Yet American Christians do the same thing to non-Christians and gays everyday (with the exception of the penalty of death in some cases). It is constantly being said to them that it is not all right for them to believe what they believe. Think of the reaction that you would have to this statement!
My point is, we cannot force lasting change. We must support a government that allows for our freedom-everyone’s freedom (unless that freedom means harming someone else). In this climate of freedom, Christianity can flourish and others are free to be called by Christ through love instead of being forced and condemned. That love is what changes us forever.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
The Rule Follower
There are rules all around us. They are set before us in our childhoods and we learn quickly that if we don't follow them, there will be consequences. This carries on into our adolescents where we decide whether we will be rule breakers or rule followers. As most of you know, I have always been a rule follower. When I found God I took comfort in His rules. I fell in love with God and I saw the merit and the goodness in his law. I saw that it protected me from many of the hard times that those around me went through. I am grateful for that but at the same time there is a conflict brewing within me. Over the years I have seen first hand how rule following can quickly stamp out any semblance of grace and replace it with self righteousness. I have found yet another dichotomy, one that splits me deeper than anything I have ever experienced. It is in my nature to take pride in my rule following. Not only that, but I have always used it as a proof, to myself and to God, that I loved God. To me, love has always been defined by a person's actions. When I was young I decided that things were very black and white-if you loved someone, you'd act like you did. You wouldn't do things to hurt them. I have internalized this and I decided that if I loved God, it would have to be made plain with my actions. But the closer I come to Him the shakier the ground I am standing on becomes. The things that I traditionally used to comfort myself and use as examples of my dedication are gone. I am no longer going into full time church ministry-that's a big one. There are even others that were nearer and dearer to me that are too personal to share. How can I know that I am on the right path without these? Galatians says that the whole of the law is fulfilled if we love our neighbors as ourselves. What kind of rule is that? How can I keep track of it or make sure that I am following it so that I know and am comforted that I am where God would have me? Faith gets more real with each passing day. The things that once stood as living proof of my faith are disappearing and I am left with only the knowledge that it is alive and well within me.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Unforgiveable
It's hard to forgive. I get telling my friends the truth confused with talking them into doing what I think is right. If I see bad decisions, I'll say something about it -then I'll get my feelings hurt when they don't want to tell me when they do something I don't agree with. If I can't tell you what I really think are we really friends?...
How can I be honest AND make you feel the love that I have for you? When you tell others what you really think you end up driving them away. Pretty soon you end up surrounded only by the people that think like you.
How can I be honest AND make you feel the love that I have for you? When you tell others what you really think you end up driving them away. Pretty soon you end up surrounded only by the people that think like you.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Attention All Women!
May I have your attention please? I have an important announcement to make. Contrary to popular belief-you may still be insecure, needy, clingy and manipulative even after getting married!!! I repeat! You may still feel insecure even after entering into a matrimonial contract. I know what you are thinking...but what about the wedding dress???? Is that not the magic talisman that wards off all such feminine craziness? If that doesn't work then surely the walk down the aisle counts towards some degree of transformation? You've got the man so now you can be happy right? Lies, all lies I tell you! Sure, the rings, the commitment and the words of reassurance may be there but tell me who's going to believe them? You're still stuck with the same PMSing, self-loathing, insecure you. It looks like something is actually going to have to change; and that something is you.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Texting and dating
They say that texting and driving is dangerous...I am guilty but I agree! What you don't hear is how dangerous texting and dating is! Seriously-more mixed messages have been sent over text than through any other medium. If a love is on the rocks, I'm convinced that texting will kill it dead! Forget the evils of facebook stalking, this is FAR worse! On facebook you can let your inner busybody/stalker out. It's a healthy outlet for a not so healthy curiosity. But texting...Oh the games we play! We find ourselves getting asked out on dates and broken up with via text. I do it all the time-If the situation gets uncomfortable it's much easier to confront problems in black and white than to deal with them within the messy colors of human emotion! I found out that my brother had a baby via text...The worst is when you are in the middle of an important conversation and that text is delayed or the phone dies! Our emotions are on a perpetual rollercoaster that ends and begins with that message chime on your Blackberry. I'm going to try something new...no important conversations via text...can it be done?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
More things I don't know
We’ve all been in those situations with people that think they know everything right? Extremely annoying in my opinion! Yeah, I definitely have a tendency to be one of those people…always have. I’ve also always found myself somehow being the leader in whatever situation I find myself. I take charge and I must seem like I know what I’m talking about. Well, I used to be like that. I’m not completely different but I realized that I am in absolutely NO leadership position! And I haven’t been in like 2 years!
Something happened. It all started when I was in undergrad. For a long time I thought I really knew what I was talking about. And don’t worry, I would make sure that you knew that I thought I knew what I was talking about! I believed that I was, UNLIKE so many others, on the right path. I was doing what God wanted me to do regardless of what everyone thought of me.On top of all of this, I was dead set on being the best. I wanted to be praised, recognized, and noticed.
The thing that saved me and is still saving me, is God, to be sure. I asked Him to show me the truth, and He did. The truth, in this case, was that I was wrong. I spoke out loudly like a fool on all the wrong things. This realization was like being punched in the stomach, hunched over and embarrassed that I needed to gasp for breath. I was so utterly and deeply disappointed because all the time I thought I was doing what God was asking of me. I thought I had found His heart. What I had really found was some other person’s interpretation of it.
This shifted something so permanently within me that I am now rarely sure of myself. I am more reserved about speaking up about what I think. I am not particularly eager to share my thoughts with the hope that they might change someone’s life (that’s the way I used to think before). I always wanted to tell everyone what God was teaching me and I wasn’t afraid to jump in. I just hate the attitude that was behind my words. I don’t want to try to teach someone something because I feel like, at the same time, I’m saying, “listen to me, I know more than you.”
I’m so scared of being there again. In this place where I think I’m better than someone else or have something that they don’t. It’s not right and it’s not God. It’s not the Gospel.
But then there’s this other part of me that says, “we all have things to teach each other and to offer,” and “it’s ok to speak up if you are really trying to help someone else.” I’m always torn between these two ways of thinking. How do I share the things that God has taught me and use the gifts that He has given me without feeling, in the end, like I’m better than someone else or have something that they don’t? I truly don’t know. It’s a definite struggle for me. Maybe you don’t have that struggle at all, lucky.
So, if I’ve faded from the Amanda I used to be it’s because I’m trying to figure this stuff out. How do I keep my peace with God and love others while being in a position of leadership? I’m not sure because it seems like all leaders do is try to tell everyone what they should and shouldn’t do. But what do they really know? And to be honest with you, I know a few key truths but after that, I’ve got nothing!
There’s part of me that still wants to be the one people come to for answers. But all I can do is tell them about all of the things that I don’t know.
Something happened. It all started when I was in undergrad. For a long time I thought I really knew what I was talking about. And don’t worry, I would make sure that you knew that I thought I knew what I was talking about! I believed that I was, UNLIKE so many others, on the right path. I was doing what God wanted me to do regardless of what everyone thought of me.On top of all of this, I was dead set on being the best. I wanted to be praised, recognized, and noticed.
The thing that saved me and is still saving me, is God, to be sure. I asked Him to show me the truth, and He did. The truth, in this case, was that I was wrong. I spoke out loudly like a fool on all the wrong things. This realization was like being punched in the stomach, hunched over and embarrassed that I needed to gasp for breath. I was so utterly and deeply disappointed because all the time I thought I was doing what God was asking of me. I thought I had found His heart. What I had really found was some other person’s interpretation of it.
This shifted something so permanently within me that I am now rarely sure of myself. I am more reserved about speaking up about what I think. I am not particularly eager to share my thoughts with the hope that they might change someone’s life (that’s the way I used to think before). I always wanted to tell everyone what God was teaching me and I wasn’t afraid to jump in. I just hate the attitude that was behind my words. I don’t want to try to teach someone something because I feel like, at the same time, I’m saying, “listen to me, I know more than you.”
I’m so scared of being there again. In this place where I think I’m better than someone else or have something that they don’t. It’s not right and it’s not God. It’s not the Gospel.
But then there’s this other part of me that says, “we all have things to teach each other and to offer,” and “it’s ok to speak up if you are really trying to help someone else.” I’m always torn between these two ways of thinking. How do I share the things that God has taught me and use the gifts that He has given me without feeling, in the end, like I’m better than someone else or have something that they don’t? I truly don’t know. It’s a definite struggle for me. Maybe you don’t have that struggle at all, lucky.
So, if I’ve faded from the Amanda I used to be it’s because I’m trying to figure this stuff out. How do I keep my peace with God and love others while being in a position of leadership? I’m not sure because it seems like all leaders do is try to tell everyone what they should and shouldn’t do. But what do they really know? And to be honest with you, I know a few key truths but after that, I’ve got nothing!
There’s part of me that still wants to be the one people come to for answers. But all I can do is tell them about all of the things that I don’t know.
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