For the first time in a long time, I have a prayer life. I always pray when I'm walking and getting ready and that sort of thing but now I'm actually sitting down to just pray. I used to do this all the time....for hours and hours and hours. It got a bit unhealthy to say the least. I was trapped in feeling like I HAD to pray or something bad was going to happen to me because I didn't spend my time in prayer that day. I think that's why I've avoided it for so long. I was afraid of those feelings, which are obviously a perversion of my relationship with God. And, you know, they did try to creep in on me shortly after I started, when I didn't allot time for prayer on a particular day. But, over the past four years, God has changed me so much that when I started to have those thoughts they were like a foreign alien to me and I recognized them right away! Well guess what people! I didn't pray this morning and God still loves me! I haven't prayed for the last few years in the traditional sense and He's still been teaching me! He's been walking with me and revealing things to me and He's still helping me make decisions! He never left me or made me feel like I was a disappointment. After not praying for so long and then entering into the prayer mindset again as, I feel like a different person than I was the first time around. I feel more confident in God's love for me and it's unfailing nature. I don't care anymore what people think about my spirituality. I know I am His and He is mine, no matter what. So as I sat down to pray this time, things were different.
This time, it has been less about feeling like I have to and more about feeling like I WANT to. God has already proven to me over and over again that if I don't pray, He wont leave me. I'm not impressing Him by spending hours on my knees either. This time it's really about wanting more of God, needing more of Him. I think the most glaring thing that has changed in me since I began praying is that God is on a roll with showing me some major imperfections. Next to His holiness, I really look worse than a mud puddle. By spending time with Him I am beginning to see myself more clearly. In my line of work, I see so many lives around me that have somehow self destructed and I know that, left alone, I am headed for the same fate. I'm no better than anyone and thinking "that will never happen to me" is foolish. Our human nature just loves to push us into making terrible decisions. We are pushed into sin by our own selfish desires. Sometimes those desires are so overwhelming that it feels like they cannot be overcome. And maybe they can't. Maybe what we really need is for those desires to be completely changed.
I want God to change me: to change those desires in me that will lead me down the wide path of destruction. In my times of prayer, I am coming to see that one of God's greatest gifts is the truth. He's showing me the brutal, unvarnished truth about myself. Being told whats up isn't always the most pleasant experience, but I know it's a wonderful gift, a second chance to swerve back on course. So maybe the hardest part of prayer is mustering up the courage to listen to what God has to say about you.... Rip the band aid off, and go for it. It's the second chance of a lifetime.
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