We’ve all been in those situations with people that think they know everything right? Extremely annoying in my opinion! Yeah, I definitely have a tendency to be one of those people…always have. I’ve also always found myself somehow being the leader in whatever situation I find myself. I take charge and I must seem like I know what I’m talking about. Well, I used to be like that. I’m not completely different but I realized that I am in absolutely NO leadership position! And I haven’t been in like 2 years!
Something happened. It all started when I was in undergrad. For a long time I thought I really knew what I was talking about. And don’t worry, I would make sure that you knew that I thought I knew what I was talking about! I believed that I was, UNLIKE so many others, on the right path. I was doing what God wanted me to do regardless of what everyone thought of me.On top of all of this, I was dead set on being the best. I wanted to be praised, recognized, and noticed.
The thing that saved me and is still saving me, is God, to be sure. I asked Him to show me the truth, and He did. The truth, in this case, was that I was wrong. I spoke out loudly like a fool on all the wrong things. This realization was like being punched in the stomach, hunched over and embarrassed that I needed to gasp for breath. I was so utterly and deeply disappointed because all the time I thought I was doing what God was asking of me. I thought I had found His heart. What I had really found was some other person’s interpretation of it.
This shifted something so permanently within me that I am now rarely sure of myself. I am more reserved about speaking up about what I think. I am not particularly eager to share my thoughts with the hope that they might change someone’s life (that’s the way I used to think before). I always wanted to tell everyone what God was teaching me and I wasn’t afraid to jump in. I just hate the attitude that was behind my words. I don’t want to try to teach someone something because I feel like, at the same time, I’m saying, “listen to me, I know more than you.”
I’m so scared of being there again. In this place where I think I’m better than someone else or have something that they don’t. It’s not right and it’s not God. It’s not the Gospel.
But then there’s this other part of me that says, “we all have things to teach each other and to offer,” and “it’s ok to speak up if you are really trying to help someone else.” I’m always torn between these two ways of thinking. How do I share the things that God has taught me and use the gifts that He has given me without feeling, in the end, like I’m better than someone else or have something that they don’t? I truly don’t know. It’s a definite struggle for me. Maybe you don’t have that struggle at all, lucky.
So, if I’ve faded from the Amanda I used to be it’s because I’m trying to figure this stuff out. How do I keep my peace with God and love others while being in a position of leadership? I’m not sure because it seems like all leaders do is try to tell everyone what they should and shouldn’t do. But what do they really know? And to be honest with you, I know a few key truths but after that, I’ve got nothing!
There’s part of me that still wants to be the one people come to for answers. But all I can do is tell them about all of the things that I don’t know.
I believe you are more on the right path than you think you are. I have learned in my 8 years of being a supervisor with the PD that leadership is a funny thing. No one wants to be told what to do, so what I do is try to lead by example. I don't expect my people to do anything that I myself would not be willing to do and actually do myself. I believe that is the only true way to earn respect and motivate people to rise above the staus quo. Sometimes, of course, I have to tell them what to do, but alot of it is in the way you say it too. I try to use language like, "could you do me a favor?" or "hey, would you mind doing ...?" If that makes sense. So in that sense, I believe you are walking the walk that it takes to be a leader. You do live the life you try to help others to live. I think we talked about this some time ago, how God sends people your way to minister to. You really don't have to look for them. Something just happens and a light goes on and you know it's time. I even do it in my life, with the little bit of true knowledge I have. I think where you have the hard time is with your friends, maybe? Not sure, but maybe that should be a topic off limits with them unless they outright ask, and then you need to make them sign a waiver that it won't be held against you! :) just kidding of course. I think that the people god sends your way are waiting and wanting your help!
ReplyDeleteThanks mom! I think you are right- this is probably a big problem with my friends more than anything else! You don't miss a thing do you? I hope I am on the right track- I definitely feel better when I don't feel like I'm right about everything! It's extremely hard when I come to those moments when I really do feel like i am right- ESP in the friend department! It's hard to know what to do and how to approach it.
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